In an effort to recoup huge losses over the last year suffered as a result of the economic “meltdown” (and of course our own continuing corporate malfeasance) we are branching out into drug research and marketing.
It was pointed out to us that while there are over 16,000 anti-depressants on the market today, there were no effective depressants. While many drugs have depressant effects like alcohol, pain pills and heroin, they all have (sometimes) unwanted side effects like intoxication, overdose or waking up with someone you don’t remember ever meeting.
Our solution is Despondex… a drug that stops irrational cheery and upbeat feelings and gives the user the depressed feelings that should accompany life as we know it today .
So we have been watching carefully as the US Senate and the House of Representatives all bicker and argue about the exact amount of the new “bailout package” of $789 Billion (Plus or minus a few billion).
However as they nickel and dime around trying to figure out how to get their “earmarks” (PORK) added to the final draft and get their cut for their state or the lobbist who has given them the most in “campaign funds” (payolla), we are struggling here. CrapCo was unable to get at any of the frst round of bailout money as the application form was not available to everyone, just giant banks, car manufacuturer’s and other HUGE financial institutions.
Did it ever occur to anyone that it takes an enormous amount of money to pull those folks out of the financial crisis, that they in factÂ caused? However it would be aÂ matter of only a few hundred thousand dollars to Bail Out CrapCo.
I mean we have rent on an office building in the Caymens, we have a corporate junket to Cancun (ROAD TRIP!) to pay for, we need giant undeserved executive bonusesÂ Â just like the big boys. But we can get by for a LOT less! Alcohol and hookers just don’t cost THAT much!
Email your congressman or senatorÂ and tell them that you support the bailout and that you think CrapCo Corp Inc. should get their fair share.
They’ll thank you for it… trust me.
At a time when shady financial practices are getting such bad press, we at CrapCo Corp Inc have decided to lay low shift focus from trading useless paper for money to trading actual products for money.
This shift began when we found out we could purchase over 1100 TONS of peanut butter at fire sale prices! Even reselling it to various institutions at half of the normal wholesale price will generate hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Now you might be thinking “wait… is that that contaminated peanut butter I have been reading about?” Well the answer is that this batch has not been proven to have any salmonella or other harmfull additives in it. And as long as we can keep the train it is on moving it will not be tested in the near future.
“But wait”Â you might be saying, “what if you sell it to hospitals and schools and people get sick, isn’t that bad?”.
Our response is why not sell it to hospitals and schools. Where better for someon to get sick but a hospital? And kids at school are ALWAYS coming home with something… colds, flu, headlice… ugh. At least salmonella doesn’t crawl around all over you and get in your pubes and such.
“But wait” you say in your very talkative manner “won’t this generate legal problems?” To which we reply, why have lawyers on staff if you don’t use them?.
Get in on the ground floor of this deal and let’s spread the wealth (and liability) and buy some CrapCo stock and watch it climb.
In searching for the paperwork needed to apply for bailout money from the government, our accounts found that there wasÂ indeed a (very short) form that banks were required to submit before their 7 figure checks could be issued.
Â Just try to get hold of one of those damn formsÂ though! We have done internet searches and tried to contact various people at the treasury department to no avail. How, I ask you, is CrapCo going to get reimbursed for all the money we didn’t make over the last 2 years. (Actually 13 but who’s counting?)Â
Anyway we found one form online and had it almost completely filled out and ready to send only to discover it was a JOKE! What a cruel trick to play on poor unsupecting CEO’s who are just trying to earn, make, get a buck.
Finally we decided to make our own form and you are welcome to use it.Â Your companies financial information will be sent directly to the U.S Department of the Treasury and hopefully they will cut you a check that day.
This service is provided FREE by CrapCo Corp. Inc., your friend in the world of corporateÂ greed.
Â Make sure to bring lot’s of sun screen to the CrapCo Quarterly Corporate Retreat as it will be spring break week for many US colleges and there will be lot’s of exciting outdoor entertainment .
Â As well remember Cancun Mexico, is the home of the hot tamale and even hotter senorita’s. However it will not all be grabass on the beach this year.
Here is the daily schedule:
Day 1 – Check in at the Marinia del Dinero in the AM and try out the brunch-lunch buffet until 2 PM. Then a short siesta until happy hour about 5PM. Dinner will be served at 7 PM so make sure you have decided whether you want the lobster with caviar sauce or the succulent and tender baby harp seal cutlets.
After dinner anyone who is interested can attend the presentation on “Generating Income using renewable resources” at one of the local and more successful businesses, La Casa de Puta. There will be a tour.
Day2 – The meals for the rest of the week are catch as catch can until the final banquet, Today there will be a team building at 2PM however that everyone is encouraged to attend. Meet at the Marina at 1:30 and the corporate yacht will be waiting to take us out to the reefs for an afternoon of underwater fun.
For those who would rahter not dive there will be corporate hostesses on board to assist with any business you might want to conduct.
Day 3- Much like day two except for the excursion to the nude beach in the afternoon
Day 4- Much like day three with the addition of the bikini (optional) contest at THe Bulldog Bar
Day 5- FREE DAY
Day 6 – A presentation on the market fluctuation and it’s impact onÂ our industry. This is a business retreat after all.
Day 7- The only planned event will be the Victoria’s Secret fashion show this evening.
Day 8 – Pack up all of your duty free contraband and take of for home.